It seems that im really annoying some people because of my writings . Actually there's a difference when i write and when others write . I take this diary as a way of finding myself . Letting all of it out. Letting my real self out . A place where i can talk of all my fears . All my scares . All my nightmares .

What would one be capable of if he has been constantly criticised , mentally abused and raped , abhored confined , discouraged , isolated and all of this by his own blood . Well this will either make a person or break one .And really , those of you who take your diaries as recreation .. plz understand that others may not necessarily take theirs as fun too . Fun on one hand but i take mine to be the only medicine . The only cure .The only drug . Novocain .

I guess this world is so concieted that it refuses to grant others any slack .. any slack at all . I mean i do get a lot of mail from my diary . Some of it is nice , some try to be understanding , some pour their hearts out but some hate it . The hate mail i get is interesting to say the least .Everyone of them suggests some wierd mental deficiency or the other ....they refuse to understand . Refuse to admit that their's is a role of an edifice . I must say they go through a lot of trouble just to tell me that they hate me ... come on guyz ... i'll ask you , how would you feel when your father isolates you from the rest of the world and your family for 5 years just to prove his point that he's the boss . I really dont give a shit about what ppl think but i try as an individual to make a contribution to other's lives . My life has been a perfect example of love from others rather than my own ppl ... so in time the former took the place of the latter . I actually am so thankful to God that he gave me the strength to brave all of this . I could've been a nobody now but im really special for some people . It is this love of the people that prompts me to lend a hand to those like me or those in need . Only Than i feel complete . Its more for me than for them but it still is not for a selfish cause .Its for the greater good .Its like a chain reation . One spark and then it just spreads like a bush fire .

So many individuals filled my life with their love that i cannot thank them enough . I will not take names because im afraid that if i forget someone than i'll never forgive myself because thats the whole idea . Dont mention it . Just do it for the sake of doing it .I know this is getting long but right now i feel like writing . I feel like making you feel what i felt when others felt my feelings and made me feel felt and special . I dont know if you really understand what i write because i dont plan all of this . I write when i feel like writing . That's just the way its been .

Abhii abhi i thought about Mehmood chacha . He's not our blood relative but i've seen him around for most of my life . He's an acquaintence but i really adore him . I feel his helplessness sometimes and i break down . There's not much i can do for him but this thing happened a couple of years ago that made a certain statement . Before i tell you what really happened , lemme fill you with a lil on him . He's dark , has a beard and is the cutest person in a wierd , bushy sorta way . He's married with two kids . A boy and a girl . He works in the Steel Mill as a technician . Wife is a graceful lady , way out of his league and she works in the GPO . She earns twice as much as her hubby but still loves him all the same and they live in a shattered appartment near SITE . So all in all he belongs to a lower class family where food , utility bills and health is the primary concern . Im not writing this because i'm all arrogant but because i want you to understand how gracious a person he is . He's the most Gentle person i've ever seen . You have to meet him to believe me . Plus i've seen him help people like no one else . When ever he drops by , and that is more than once a week ..... he's either carying a flour bag for a needy widow or a set of text books for a boy living in north karachi . I cannot understand where he gets his energy from . Numerous times he's helped mummy fixing a tap or a tube light or things like that . the point is that there is no limit to the help he can extend to others no matter he knows them or not .

Khair ... a couple of years ago he had this paralysis attack that the doctors were really worried about . They said that it could lead to coma or permanent memory loss . Some sort of brain damage was ultimately inevitable . He was admitted to Baqai for 6 months or so . I was doing FM in those dayz . when i came back from a show , Mummy told me about him . I gotta admit , i was angry in those dayz . YOu know it had been three years that i'd been kicked around by my father so i really didnt give a damn about a lot of people . Khair it was not like i didnt give a damn about him . I liked him because he was an amzing individual with lots of energy for others . So morally it was my responsibility to go and see him . I took a day off and went to baqai .

Believe me when i tell you that there were around 80 plus ppl from all stratas of society , all colors , all shapes and all sizes . They were all for him there . The docotr on the duty , Shehzad Rabbani said that he had never seen such a big crowd for a non-civillian patient . Even i was speechless . I went up stairs and had a brief chat with him . Teased him about chachi missing him and stuff . I could tell he was happy . I was happy . Happy that i was able to share his moments . I used to think that this kinda thing didnt happen but it happened to me . I walked all the way back to Mcdonalds . The doctors were not too hopeful about him .

But suddenly things started to look better . Even the docs were surprised .They admitted that they didnt expect him to get back to his normal self and that too this quick .

Medical Science has its limitaions and i'd say that it was the love and respect of those 80 plus people standing outside praying for him whose lives he had touched . Whose lives he had contributed to in his own way . I would gladly give all my worldly belongings for a disposition like his . A disposition that touched the lives of hundreds of people so much so that when the time came , they fought for him in a way medical science did not ....I wish i could love people like he does . I try but still i lash out at some at times , i repramind myself and then i again fuck up . I try and i try but i will never be able to respect other the way he did ... Mehmood Chacha stills drops by twice week . His left hand is still a little numb but the full smile he flashes after entering quiping " aur azfar bhai , kya ho raha hai ... ? " still charges me up . I wish him all the happiness in his life and i thank him for showing me the path . The right path .