We were standing under the vast shades of that same tree under which it all started two years ago . She told me that she'd be getting married soon . May be in a couple of months time .She was staring at the ground . Tryin to brush aside the dust from her toe . She kept brushing and brushing and i kept staring at her .At her head .


I told myself , "lets not make it difficult for her than it already is" . Me ..? Oh .. i never mattered that much to people anyway .But she really mattered to me . I remember the very first day she walked in the department . I never thought that we'd end up together . COme to think of it , i never thought id loose the very first person i'd like . Or maybe it was love .If it was not love then what kept us together . And if it was indeed love that how am i sane enough that im writing this diary today .


I declare 'the mystery woman' my crush . Not my love .


Anyways ... She stood there , tall and confident and thats what i liked about her . Being a feminist to the bone , I was naturally attracted to her . But i could never have told her that i liked her . She came to me with her love . Honestly , i dont have the balls to tell anyone that i like em . Does this suck . DOes this make me a looser ? I dont think so . Temm what you think .


Soooo . She stood there . I stood there . The cold dry breeze made her hair swirl from left to right . I looked at them . I kept looking at them . left ... breeze .. right ... left...breeze..right ..breeze ...left ...ahem , SO what do you say ? She asks . Lemme tell u something . I'll admit something today that i have denied all this time .I Am a Cry Baby . I cry . I am sorry . But that is something i do and it kinda lets me retain/maintain my humility . Know what i mean . I guess not .


SOOOO ..right ..breeze ...left ...ahem , SO what do you say ? She asks . I didnt wince . I didnt squint . I SMILED . I told her that i wish her the best and that i hope she lives a happy life . She looked me in the eyes . Straight . People tell me that that they usually avoid looking into my eyes . Not that they're ugly or anything . But they're Huge and Piercing Brown and Distracting . Take a look at the image up there .


Anyways ... This time i looked away . The only time . The last time . The Worst time . I looked around . Saw some of my people . Sabeen . Asfia . Umme (with a rude smile). Shoeb . All were looking at us . They knew . Shoeb searched my face for expressions . Naturally there were none . After all I never liked her that much right ? .


WRONG . He could never have seen what i felt . No one could . Is this toooo boring . I just dont care . I am already late for my class . So fuck the class . Lets talk about the only girl I thought i liked . They say that your first crush haunts you forever . Mine doesnt . But some of its episodes do . Surprisingly the last one didnt feel a bit .But yes . It will stay . Like one of those episodes of friends that is just repeated every month . Mine is repeated and repeated and repeated . Just repeated .


The crazy thing about all of this is that she's talking to me and suddenly she hugs me . I hold her . I dont wanna let go . I am so Shit scared . I am scared that once she goes ; i'll be the same bad ass , rude , ignorant , motherfucker i was once . I realy changed because of her . Not for her . Because of her . There's a differnce . You'd know if uve ever liked some1 . I pulled away from her . I smiled AND I WALKED AWAY .


I went straight to the faculty area where we used to sit and chat . I sat there for like hours .


I did not cry .


I did not complain .


I stared at the lush green grass swirling from left to right with every hint of breeze .


left...breeze...right...left... breeze...right...breeze...left... breeze...right...left...breeze... right...breeze...Static.


I went home .