I wrote this on the 9th of April , 2004 . I felt that I must post this before I move on .


life takes its toll on all of us in ways we’d never be able to comprehend .. the most insidious of all can be the state of comatose . quite ummmm different from that of any other state casue 99% of us are dragging our lives n are totally unaware of this stark fact . like a writer’s creative block , this stage leads one to oblivion if not comprehended and handled immediately . unfortunately most of us cannot put our finger on It .we all know that there’s something wrong but are clueless about what it really is that is rotting us . we get all cramped for space to improvise and breath and we deflate . This here is an attempt to force out the scourge . im going to try atleast .


i sat silently on the pavement . Stared long hard at the moon . It was almost 3 in the night . Made some patterns on the sand beneath me . /|/|/| . The patterns reminded of life when it was simple . Alhumdollilah im having some of the better days of my life yet . Better because im busy at work so there's not much to think about . I used to atleast think about my desire to participate in the mundane but lately i havent had time to do that even .Ive been working continuous for 35 - 40 hours and it doesnt bug me anymore . like a zombie , i drown myself in work and let fatigue take its toll . the timeless shackles of boredom and irony bound me after the first 20 hours and i turn into a harlot who lets the client poke in her inanely or should I sat insanely just for his carnal pleasure . i cannot scream because whores cannot complain . I cannot complain cause im a man and cause in this fucking society is averse to men susceptible to poignant mental disruption . men have unconventional methods of getting rid of this disruption .we fuck and/or beat our wives/girlfriends and boast about it in peers , we antagonize our kids into rebels , incite hatred in , smoke or drink and finally kill ourselves or end up in a fucking mental institution . the lucky ones live a life of denial and oblivion .You might think im wrong about everything that you just read but ive been witness to all of this one time or the other in my life .


i havent been smoking a lot cause i know its not good for my health .i want to live . A rather fulfilling life for that matter . i know my attributes and i can deal with life most of the time . Yes occasionally i am pretty messed up but i guess a couple of long ass smoking bouts and mayb forty winks does the trick . I do however feel that every time this happens , it takes a chunk outta me . im scared that one day ill be left wiht nothing but my past with no future . With no hope .


met da doc yesterday . havent been well lately . but alhumdollilah have not been any major bimari bhee so its all chill . LAst year was horibble . i was soo sick i couldnt believe it . the BP used to shoot .alhumdollilah its been alrite filhal . The cholesterol is another problem . Im cutting down on oils . ive cut down on stress .i mean i cannot help it but i sure can try and not let a lot of trivialities get to me . ive tried to eat a lot at home ... bahar ka khana can be bad bohot ziada .


i overheard ammi talking 2 abbu . He made a long call from Jersey . I think my family here is moving back to New York . Now im still wondering when would they tell me so that i can look for another place for me to stay . i hope they give me atleast a week's time cause its difficult to find a good cheap lodging in Karachi at a short notice . and to find one at a good presentable apartment from where i'd be easily able to commute and function is again a daunting task . i dont know about the rest of the family but i will surely miss Murtaza . i love the way he talks incessantly on my head when i get back from work . He tells me about the latest episode of "stupid dog" and how that stupid dog would yell so hard that its Adam's apple would fall off his neck and would be squished by a passing alien who happens to be looking for a specimen of dog's Adam's apple . ofcourse the alien was from sum distant planet where their scientists told him to get the most stupid dog's Adam's apple cause this is the last ingredient that would make the atomic reactor work which would save their plant . The alien returns home with a pair of testicles and i blink blankly at Murtaza who thinks this is amazing . Of course i have been listening to him attentively cause i love him and i owe it to him . But at the back of my head , i have all the quarrels at work and altercation wiht the mundane keeping me awake . then there is the one where he tells me about the Iranian girl in his class who wears a scarf . I can relate to his fascination wiht hijab . what more do i need . i want to be there for him . i remember last week when khaala was here . She was here wiht all three of her daughters . Ammi had been to a majlis so we ordered food . Murtaza had to go get it . At 11 in da nite .khair he went to get the food . When he came back , he got a call from one of his school friends . They had a seminar in the morning and he was a volunteer . I asked him why he wasnt eating and he said that ammi will save some food for her . Ofcourse he's just 12 . He doesn’t know my mother . he just knows his mom . By the time he got to the dinner table , all of them had finished and left him nothing . He started crying . He expected his mother to save him dinner , naturally . I was fumed . I made quite a fuss over it all and took him out to dinner as i hadnt eaten aswell .


i miss my father . I heard ammi telling farah that he was crying when he was talking on the phone . He must be in a rut cause he's a very strong man mashallah . i felt bad . i didnt like picturing him in tears .i stifled mine and went to my room . i lay there , staring blankly at the roof .


ive learnt to trust people's souls rather than their look and rhetoric .