People come to me only when they want something .


Health has been an issue but I plan to get a checkup next week .


Ammi has been calling home regularly but we haven’t spoken . I don’t expect much from her . But I still do . I miss her .


The multitude of unfriendly faces that I come across everyday has reached the limit where I cannot perform anymore . I go through the ritual every day . I go to work .I stay there till its necessary .I get home . I eat something . I sleep . Its all beginning to fall into place . I will continue with this schedule day after day … and I will not matter anymore even to myself . Occasionally someone comes to visit me and makes fun of it all .


Last week kamran came over to talk about stuff . He cried about how he forced his girlfriend mehreen away . He needed my help in a few things .He’s applying for the trainee program at P&G . He came after a couple of months and only when he needed to talk . I felt like telling him to fuck off but I couldn’t . I swear I wanted to tell him to leave .I wanted to . I really did .I wanted to tell him that i have problems too . I wanted to tell him that I have lost people too . I wanted to shout till everyone around me would know that the composed façade that I strut with is a sham .I wanted to loose it all . I wanted to embrace my defeat . I wanted to whine and whine and act like the hooligan I feel I must be sometimes .. but I couldn’t . I just couldnt .


I helped him with his application . I helped him with his essays . I helped him with his marketing presentation . I should’ve felt nice . Content . chilled . But I didn’t . For the first time , I felt that If I would’ve stranded him , it would’ve been better.


People come to me only when they want something .