As i walked out of the office Tuesday evening , the events of the past few weeks flashed in front of me . I did everything maimoona ( my boss ) asked me to do . I took on the project that no one was willing to accept . I gave out trainee, a basic kick-ass crash course in production .I completed the program concept . I executed three fourth of the post production . I completed half of the initial production . I wrecked my nights planning the goddamn shoots and day before yesterday she decides that she wants me to abandon this project . Abandon and move on . Bych . I did this only because she asked me to and this is how she comes back at me . Not only this , I get blamed for slave-driving my trainee who happens to be the CEO’s family relative . I can understand maimoona trying to save her ass but I don’t understand why must I get the brunt .Why is the trainee being shielded from work . Its unfair. Its illogical . As I sat there listening to maimoona , I fought the urge to walk out and never return .But I said to myself …. She would realize her mistake when everyone turns her down . I wanted to tell her to take the trainee and shove her up her own ass but I couldn’t . I wanted to .Personally I don’t dislike the trainee . She’s a nice kid . She’s intelligent . She’s articulate . She’s educated but somehow she was always worried about who is doing what instead of her own work . Irrespective , at the end of the day , I looked like an ass . I didn’t like it one bit .I wish I could erase the past few weeks from my memory .


I realized yesterday that I will never fit in … anywhere . I have many flaws . I try to overcome these flaws yet I fail miserably . I suck at fraternizing . I suck at personal relationships . I suck at making people happy . I break under pressure . I don’t voice my concerns . I don’t share . I don’t talk about my problems . I just do what I am told . If it doesn’t work out , I get blamed and I feel bad about it all . I thought hard about it all . My ability to be vague is the bane . This will drag me down below .


On the same note , I recall momal’s anxiety about work . She was a wreck yet she managed very well mashallah . And I noticed the same traits digging deep within me .The trench got deeper in the past few weeks and the seam came off twice this month alone . I have a lot of data to compute but the bottom line is that I do tend to get harsh if pinned down . At first I didn’t relish this idea but then I gave in .This has now become a characteristic and I feel that I’ve stopped distinguishing between the person that I want people to interact with , the person that I once was AND the person who suddenly comes out and bucks under pressure . I have never made an attempt to maintain a certain disposition . Maybe this is a wrong approach …. the worst approach. I guess the reason I don’t want to try so hard is because it had always worked for me before . I have always been myself around people .That means I’ve been rather reserved and this worked totally against me this time . People who had no concern whatsoever interfered and spoiled the broth .This time the rage I felt was temporary and I thought about it all again .I cannot let my anger be driven by work deadlines . By people who don’t matter .I have been driven to insanity by circumstances at home . And only I can be blamed for all of this. But I cannot be unlike me . I have to think of a way to not let this affect me . I cannot collapse anymore. But I know I will . It only time.


I went out of my way to interact with people in the past few days so that I could get a third person’s perspective . Needless to say the lukewarm response made things worse but I felt that it will always be like this .Somehow I have to not let it bog me down . I deliberately didn’t get in touch with those who I feel might have cared once but don’t anymore . I wouldn’t wanna find them battling with issues of their own and thus burden them with my shit .


Well the thing is that this all just adds to the bigger picture . In the end , it all works out . In the end , I will live . In the end , life will go on . In the end , If I leave Interflow , I will get a job somewhere else . In the end I will make a living somehow somewhere . In the end I will whine about this here ….. But all of this will only hinder my growth as a person . This will stop me dead in my tracks . I might have to take a different route . How , When and Where will I find this route is anyone’s guess . What that route looks like , where that route might take me and where would I end up , only HE knows .