Life is funny . Its takes you all the way only to push you back not one but several notches .One can bellow and rant and blame and whine and cry and complain and all but the fact is that you live . Someone wrote to me about suicide . Bro .... Suicide cannot be an option ever for anyone with even chicklets for brains .It is never an option . The fact is that two people I knew very closely killed themselves thinking God knows what and this didn’t help anything .It didn’t help them . IT didn’t help the cause . And it certainly didn’t help the people they left behind to mourn only to find how beautiful these people actually were. Few remember them or should I say no one of substance remembers them but only the faint at heart . Speaking of which I must turn my attention back to writing the past few weeks out of my system .If I focus , this should be help .


Few are loved like I am loved . Few are adored like I am . I might not have people in my arms reach but I know that I did good overall and if they don’t embrace me back the way I expect , then its ok . Because I do it not for them . I do it for me . I do it because I like doing it . Simple . Now its totally my mistake if I expect because I ideally DO NOT want anything in return . Religion aside .


After I wrote this above para , I started thinking on a totally different line. Those who love me or claim to love me , if you ever felt that I needed you and you made a 'conscious' choice to dump me , them you must not read ahead . Because you know deep down that I would at least need an alibi. Just to quell that voice that haunts me in the nights . However it is never too late . This inner voice/desire shouldn’t exist if I had my priorities straight .If I could only control my heart’s will . I will , but In due time .


I have reason to believe that my sister arjumand is AWARE of my diary . I hope she does not read it regularly because then she might try to put things right and I cannot go back into what has happened pehlay . My Family and the few revered ones around me should’ve been more careful . If only they knew that this child is susceptible to the point of insanity like every child is .In making him the tough eldest one , they took it a little too far if you ask me . I am taking a very different route in live now . I am changing . I have to . But I hope it is for the best .If you are one of these lucky people , you know that a few words of encouragement are enough for this lad to make the Eiffel tower look like lima beans .If you didn’t share those words with me , then only you know why not . Cause I do not . I will inshallah make a conscious effort to get up and get going . Now its your call to be there in a manner that holds meaning the context.


I haven’t went to work in a week . I dread their looks , their gossip , their comments . They did EXACTLY what my family did . They misunderstood me . And blamed me for things that I didn’t do . I made the same mistake I made with my family . I doubted myself . I shouldn’t have . I will inshallah try and not doubt myself anymore . Oh btw this little girl I had known for more than 5 years recently left some comments on my guestbook because she thinks I wait for a savior . She forgot the times when I was her savior .I was her big brother even . But I refuse to play the blame game here. Just because we choose different paths in life does not mean we turn around and blame others for the very issues that we once believed in . I mean I have been there for so many mashallah. You transformed from literally a stranger to someone who came running to me whenever things went wrong .


Its very amusing that you can sit and leave comments on my diary with different names ? .Its not about saving someone . Its about someone’s RIGHTS on you .You cant deny people their rights . That’s plain hypocrisy . That’s plain rude . But im not blaming you here . Im just making a point .I have held families together . I know more about this than you think .I have been there for people in ways you cannot imagine .I’ve been to friend’s homes in the night because they need my help. Ive spoken to numerous on phone for hours so that they’d forget about their shit . Written emails to people who do not owe me anything because I couldn’t be there for them .I have loaned money like an idiot and lost it . I have people dodging me because they fear im gonna ask for it back . So I am vain about it .And im proud about it . Damn it … I might sound pissed right now , but in truth I feel fine . Im not angry . I really am not . Because I will hold all of this against my own deeds and bargain my way out of it , someday .


Ammi called me a couple of days ago on my cell .she will take at least two more month before she comes back . I miss her and I loved her phone call . I was so overwhelmed that I do not remember what we talked about . It was a 15 min call . Spoke to murtaza aswell . He was more excited about the mobile snatching incident . How many men were they . What weapons . Where did this happen . Did they hit you .What did you do n stuff . Ammi asked me if I got a raise . I told her that I am thinking of renegotiating soon . I didn’t tell her that I haven’t been to work for a while now . However something struck me at that moment …. I have been reduced to a heap of nerves in the past two weeks . The people at work didn’t understand me . They feared me because I kept to myself . And for other reasons I do not know . But I am working on things to get better . Inshallah the tables will turn .