I haven’t done any WORK lately at work . I go in and kill time . Ive succumbed to the fact that things ultimately happen the way they’re supposed to happen . Any effort on my part in terms of work for instance has back fired . Im no more devoted to work , iv noticed . I guess im taking it easy there . Its like this with almost everything these days .I have seized to make any effort . Or should I say im letting things be . Im happy this way .


Day before yesterday ammi called and I spoke to abbu aswell . He is thinking that I should try my luck in HR and Marketing instead of media . He also said that I can always go to dubai cause they have good jobs there . I agreed with him all along . I remember saying yes and jee’s the whole time . Then yesterday phupoo called and said that she wants me to pay for the “BC” from next month that she has invested here . Its not much . Around 4 grand a month. for around 7 to 13 months . I said ok . I mean who am to try and make people understand .She has been told by ‘people’ that im a wastrel and she intends to put it to good use . Well …I didn’t try to convince her otherwise . Im ok with it all . Who cares ? . Money aint everything . Peace .. I need peace . For once I need someone I love to actually try and understand me instead of just ruling against me .Khair .. I can imagine the kind of pressure she can be in . Abbu and ammi are there so anything is possible . I know they don’t mean harm but they just don’t know what goes on here. So I didn’t try and convince her . I just said ok .


Waisay bhee I save most of what I make . I want ammi to live with me in the next few years and if I continue to stick to interflow ,Id be cruising well .Inshallah . Even though she sometimes does really silly things thinking she’s right , id want her around . However the past few days have made one thing clear .. I will keep struggling with my relationships in life . Some will stay .Some wont . Those who want to stay will stay irrespective of everything . Like phupoo , I realized will always find herself in the middle of everything whenever she wants to . Now that I understand this , I am in a position to appease her . Ofcourse she doesn’t know what goes on here with me . She doesn’t know that im a mentally challenged man . hahahah .If she wants to believe that im a man with limited intellect and limited resources , I wont convince her otherwise . Waisay bhee she aint gonna realize now . Itna waqt guzar chukka hai . Id let her believe what she wants to . I think the same thing happened when I replied to sam . Twice . But ive replied finally in such a manner that will untangle her thoughts and demarcate things once and for all . Talk about timing .


Work per bhee I slouch and maintain this submissive abandon in every manner .This makes me worry less. Who cares if they keep paying me and not make me work . Im not going to wreck my mind for work . My boss spoke to me today about a project that she wants me to start and I said ok .No point in trying to convince her about my previous projects . Fuck it .


I have decided to not leave my house when abbu comes back . Even if he tries to kick me out . Im the black sheep aisay bhee aur waisay bhee so why even bother … I miss being a son . I miss being a friend to a father . I miss being loved . I miss being a brother . I don’t expect him to treat me the way a father should treat his eldest son . And thus I wont be disappointed. I want people to hate me with such seethe that I don’t expect anymore from them. I read in “kitab al momineen” that we will be compensated . SO ill live in my own small world . I will live here and wont let anyone in . I don’t want anyone in here with me anymore . Its simple . That’s it . I must admit that it hurts to say all of this . But if I need to stop hurting people , this is the only way . I am bad at communicating and that’s the way its gonna be . Ill deal with it myself .


Rest is fine . Im healthy . I have a job . I look like tom cruise .Infact im better looking then him . On a good day , I ooze sex , im told . No wonder they named me the most eligible bachelor a couple of years ago . yes I am vain . I know . I have a strong erection . I am a people’s person . Strangers confide in me . People talk to me about their shit .I have a cell phone . I have my own room . Even better …. Im alive .But somehow , it still aint the same .


( After 2 hours ) ….. sigh … After I wrote the last para , we had a power breakdown . Now im back and I read everything that I wrote . The more I read , the more I understand . I cannot NOT love the people I love . Sigh . I can sure as hell say that I do not regret loving people around me even if they don’t understand . Even if they arenot around me .Having writing it all , now feel that I should put it up here so that I can see the other side of me tonite . Its almost 4 am . Ill finish the last smoke . Ill put this up and pray . Ill offer my tahajd and namaz e shub . It’ll definitely help .As they say .. im not crazy ,im just a little unwell .:)