I am a poor judge of character . I cannot tell who is lying to me or who is being honest to me even if my life depended on it .Should I be thankful for this trait .Nay . But im sure this will also serve a purpose . A purpose that I still am unaware of in HIS grandiose scheme for me . The scheme I am clueless about , yet I think it has everything to do with the most honest piece of writing that I could come up with in recent times for a woman thousands of miles away . It was probably submission . I figured that if I am destined to bungle up In selecting people for myself , I might aswell lay everything open and pray to HIM the best thing happens .The best will stay .Those who are meant to embrace me with my flaws and lineaments will do so . One thing is for sure .whatever’ll happen will be to my benefit . What do I know about people ?!.I mean one day this little girl wearing a scarf walks into my office , smiles and promises everything .And the next moment she is making alliances with an unknown savior and backbiting me . SO what do I know ? . Ziada say Ziada kya hoga …. I’ll loose people because of my safeguards . Hey its not as if people have done any good lately . SO ill see how things go . I refuse to live a secret life . Jis ko mujhay confront kerna hai , karayy ! ..Frankly the hacking thing has made me more open my real life . Now I take things more objectively . I have been more blunt with people lately … those who wish to stay will stay irrespective of doubts and schism in perception .This will serve me in the long run with only people who REALLY care about me sticking around . I have a long way to go and I need people who trust me , not those who entertain doubts in their hearts .


A co-worker Zahra today told me that I give people too much space . She is of the opinion that I must either be anal from the beginning or not be anal at all . Now I can try to be anal but I see no point if the other person has done nothing wrong . Furthermore if women tend to get nervous around me, which she has noticed ,she suggests that I can try and not look into their eyes and be more polite and TALK and compliment them . I hardly talk around men let alone women which she points out is not a good thing .It can backfire she says. A woman can take offense to a man not talknig to her . She did too in the beginning but she says that she realized that this is just me so we got along just fine . I wanted a third person’s opinion but this is just too fluid a thought . She also said that I have to stop being the superman because then it is a slow and excruciating death . No one gives a fuck .I see what she means .I will further explore this possibility .


My choice of friends especially women is leaves a lot to be desired . Wretched id sayl . I recall one day ammi saying that I am just like my father . HE could never tell the difference between hypocracy and honesty . She is so right . What will I do is uncertain . Life is too short to worry about this . And I wouldn’t end up worrying because I wouldn’t choose .Id leave people to choose . Of everyone who was effected in this hacking thing , only ONE freaked out . This is so amusing . And this one was the one I thought would be the last man standing . How wrong was I ! …


The cosmic void that exists in all of us is eternal .We’re all trying to fill it up .Some sing . Some dance .Some have friends . I write . Its an endless quest for survival .I will not try and fill it up myself this time . I will just lay here in peace and silence . If HE has created a void , then he’d fill it up aswell . Why must I worry . Mayb that’s why I wrote everything down and sent it to her . Maybe I wanted an honest start and the first and the most difficult step was that I submit to HIS desires . I didn’t think twice . I mean what good is an email if it has messages between the lines , right . SO ive taken the first step towards compassion .Albeit it was difficult and I was told by well meaning friends that It might spell disaster but it is a small price to pay when compared to a potential honest life .


No wonder they say , “ life is not the amount of breaths you take , it’s the moments that take your breath away .”