I didn’t go to work on Saturday . Bohot garmi thee and the air conditioning at work sucked . I didn’t wanna melt before my next birthday .


Ammi called me specifically to tell me a few things about work and Arjumand .Apparently she had forgotten to update me about my green card status aswell so she called again . This time on me cell . We spoke for around half an hour . A lot of things came up .


I will let my hair grow again . Fuck the world .


I want to strangle someone right now . Its only 11am .Sunday . I slept after 8am .Was working late on the Scripts . I woke up because some weirdo just wouldn’t give up . She kept calling and calling and calling . I was dreaming and it felt that the phone was ringing somewhere in the distance in my dream .I grudgingly got up .Haven’t been able to get a lot of sleep . I drag myself to the phone and this woman shots , “im your landlord .Open the door . I want to pick mangoes” . You see we have this huge mango tree in our backyard .And it yields some good mangoes. I couldn’t believe myself .She had been calling just for this . I hung up . I wished I could reach in through the freaking mouthpiece and strangle her . Khair … lucky for her , I aint Gumby .


Ive perfected this Art now . I go to work . I work . I come back home . I eat . I write a little . I delete it . And then I sleep . I know im wrong here but im too stubborn to admit it .Waisay bhee im not nuqsaanofying anyone .Maybe it’s the Heat . Maybe its Work . Maybe its how I am spending my day . Maybe its nothing . Absolutely nothing .


I don’t think id be able to write the book that I wanted to .It just seems out of reach . I don’t like most of what I write , even though its just for me .From the looks of it , life worth something is too cheap these days .Any one can buy love , freedom and truth .


I met Shoaib and Kamran last week after ages . IT was nice but I felt that I was trying to avoid them . Somehow .They’re nice people . We’ve seen some really bad times together .I couldn’t tell why I just didn’t want to be there with them . But I wanted them to be there . You know .. I wanted them to not see me . Something just kept telling me that I had to leave .I know this is confusing for you .


Sabeen has been making some of the most lame ass attempts in the history of lame ass attempts to get in touch with me . Honestly I do not want to tell her anything about my life .Anymore . Period . She’s a nice kid and she manages this on her convenience . I however didn’t do it like this when she was I trouble .I was there . NO strings attached . It also took me literally months to convince her that she is BAD for Dilawar .She treats Dilawar like trash and refuses to acknowledge him .He used to come to me and Id try n explain it to him . Thora faida hova tha . We succeeded in sending him to Pakistan Rangers . Now he’ll be coming back soon and he’s already in the web again . I feel bad for him but this time I wont get in . Because I have my own shit and for the first time I feel if I don’t manage it soon , ill drown .SO in the past two months , I’ve changed itna . NOW I wont let anyone be there . This way id know my limitations .Ever since sam backstabbed me , I have been more harsh in real life . I don’t think harsh is the right word . Ive been more impassive .I cannot say I don’t blame her but I deserved to know everything irrespective . I wasn’t given my rights . However I do think this was something that I should’ve learned years ago .Murawat nahee karna chahiyay .It gets to your head . Its so much easier when you are sitting and working , someone walks up to you and you turn around and say “Im busy” . Its very easy . But is it the best thing to do . Cant get into this argument with myself right now .


Lately ive been shying away again .I got invitations to three different weddings . I stayed home .No point in meeting relatives who are only concerned with your looks and paycheck . Surprisingly they are nicer to me because now they know . MUHTHERFUCKERS !!


Im carefully determining my boundaries . I have learnt in the past few weeks that the notions of privacy vary from people to people . Some claim so much and still wait for you to be ‘comfortable’ . This makes me think … Why wait !!! . But that’s just me and I cannot zabardastiofy so Im trying to manage this . I have to stop letting my emotions mess up my life . I will live a dual life . Im not ashamed to say this . Almost everyone does it . So why cant I . But before I fully develop this façade , ill give the ‘handful’ around , me one last hint .If Im wrong , then may Allah correct me .I hope the transition is easy .


Life is fine .