I feel an empty space inside me . I cannot explain it .I cannot pin point the reason . I am not trying to come to a conclusion . Maybe I know what the conclusion will be and thus fear it . I fear that I wont like how this all ends . I have so many questions , answers to which I may never get . They say loves either makes a man out of you or it doesn’t . What’s to become of me ? . I do not know .


The work is a poor substitute for all of this . How long do you think I can do this .Days . Weeks . Months . Years . I know that its gonna come to an end sooner or latter .Sooner than latter , I fear . Then I curse myself . I should not think like this . After all I was wronged . And I mustn’t feel bad . But I do . And there is nothing I can do about it .For moments in a day , I push it all behind myself and work .I keep myself busy . It helps . But only in those moments . Salma , I will go to the weddings and will send you pics of the Rasgullaz and Gulab Jamanz . Atleast right now I feel like going to the weddings .But what of kal . What if I don’t feel like going to these weddings latter . I don’t know . This entry sux I know .But I need to get out of this . And I know of only four ways to get out of this phase .Ive tried Two of them and failed miserably . The other two …. Sigh !! . Im trying one these days and the Last option is not in my hands . That’s the strongest option and Its not something I can do on my own . I need help In it . And I know I aint getting any atleast jahaan say mein chahta hoon . So I can just sit with my fingers crossed and hope nay pray for the best .


I stayed late at the shooting till 3 am and then I had to drop Alizeh and Nasreen back . On our way to Phase One , it was fine . We talked a little .But after I dropped em , I came back alone . It was almost 4 am . The roads were deserted . I drove slowly . Alone . And a million thoughts came to me . And I just didn’t wanna think anymore . I stopped at FTC . Stepped out .The calm breeze reminded me of my eternal past . The past that I may never forget . The past that might always stay with me . I smoked a cigarette . Looked around and went back . As I drove past familiar places , I tried hard to not remember my past . Tried hard to not think about my past . Laikin koin faida nahee hova . The book stores , the eateries , Karsaz …. I wished I could go back in time and just stay in my favorite moments .And not care about anything else . Not worry about going home . Not worry about going to work in the morning .Just sneak in and sit the closet , gasping for air and loving every moment of it .