I was surfing the channels when I suddenly came across “Chalte Chalte”. To my horror .I mean it’s a nice movie and all but I have to lay off the salt , Doctor’s advise .I made a mistake . I didn’t change the channel . I couldn’t change the channel .I watched it .


It took huma a lot of cajoling to convince me to not write an email .She reminded me of the Chat and everything else .I could tell that she was trying hard .Real hard .I could easily make a new email address and use it .Though I didn’t write an email ,I came to the conclusion that I will keep repeating my mistakes . I am a fool .I have to let go of my past again . I had , to a acceptable extent . But It was brutally dug up and used against me by my own people . I wish I could hate those who pain me .I wish I could retaliate . I wish I could put em all on a noose . Naushaba one said that if I stay the way I am , people will eat me alive . The good thing is that I have improved a little linthe past few months .I still have a lot to work on .I must tell myself that I deserve better . I deserve faith . I deserve loyalty . I deserve honesty .I do not deserve empty cossets . Im just weird about it right now because I invested so much in my past . One day people will realize that sometimes there really are no substitutes . You get only a few opportunities to be great , to make a difference . I will find some other way to make it all worth while .Inshallah .


The trip to Raza’s was a success .I was strong . I held his mom and made sure she listened to me . I kept talking and talking . She was actually smiling in the end .But only we know what lies behind that smile , don’t we ? .We can claim to understand her pain but ultimately she is the one who lost her son I had already realized that if I wanted to be there for them , I had to be strong . Im no use to her if im also broken . Mashallah I did well . Now all I have to do is stay in touch with em Things will get better . Inshallah .


Sahib Alam once said that I take too much on myself and it finally takes its toll . He was right . The past week is a perfect example . And thus everything starts bothering me . SO I have to stay in control .I have to be indifferent to certain things , he said .Either this or I must have some one as a fall back when im tired , beaten and worn down . Since I don’t have any such cushion for now ,I have to make do with a little indifference .


In an effort to get out of this never ending descend , I have made myself more available . I received a few phone call that I had been avoiding for a while now . I wrote to a few people . I even made a few extra phone calls . I will manage , Inshallah .Dair hai Andhair Nahee .