The past week was weird . Huma told me about the Nasir-Zia-Salman-Nasir-Saman plan . Saman was in on it latter on. Somehow . I feel I have been rescued by a bunch of maniacs who would do anything to get what they deem theirs . Rights namely . I told huma that we must thank God for shielding us . Though I may be skeptic of this paradigm’s existence , the fact remains that I would’ve made a big mistake . I must’ve done something really good in some previous life to have been sheltered like this .As Melvin , the receptionist says at Interflow , "Praise the Lord"…


Missed an important appointment when Sid called us last minute at Interflow . Felt Weak . Detached . Drained . Alone .Even with all of them around me .Chirping . If only we could give into our inner most desires .I miss Anila today for reasons only I know .Got a lot of phone calls today .Medussa called . She is doing well mashallah .I need to meet up with her soon . A little walk on the wild side doesn’t hurt .Zee called .She had slept late and told me everything about everything .hehehe … Sid called .It was nice to hear from her . She is doing good in Sterling .Zehra called . She recently got a neat Job in some big multinational as an Assistant HR manager .She was ecstatic .Thanked me for being there. Blah Blah .I was embarrassed n tried to change the topic but she wouldn’t listen . I need to learn to not be embarrassed and take compliments confidently . Positively . Instead of going all red and mumbling a subdued reply thus erecting a hypothetical impasse .She wants to meet up for food n stuff . I refused initially but then when she repeated it towards the end .. I felt that I must chow with her . Though she has messed up in the past , I still feel her intentions were noble .And noble friends are hard to find .The funny thing is that I don’t tell them anything bout meself .Don’t know why .Balls vanish I guess .


Khaala flew in from Florida .She thinks ive improved in terms of behavior and fraternization. She dragged me to some herbal medicine woman . Yuk . She also feels that I need to tie the knot forun . Just like everyone else in my family . She says that she is proud of me that ive managed well in the prevalent circumstances . Little does she know that im the same inane dude she saw three years ago . Im just a fatter , fleshy … grrrr . Muahahah . On a more serious note ive been following my heart n thus im happy . I went to Iran last year . I’ve been very hard on myself in terms of discipline . I have been hopelessly trying to quit smoking , been writing on the other diary that I initiated . This one is just too public . Every one knows someone who has read the Silent Spring . While it might be flattering I admit , it brings everything down to one simple fact … it is only time when people connect the dots . Narcissist you’d say … but when people figure out that the explicit , unabashed n frivolous dude who works with them is the same dude who writes blatantly about feminism under different aliases , gushes at movies , loves rock , is an altruist at heart and is so not like what he seems like … im dead .So be it … you say eh ??? … Wait till you wear this cloak .Ofcourse those few who know me personally and have the luxury of reading my diary aswell will make even more mistakes in analyzing me .The Child is not here nor is working with them .


Its 04:00 am .


I got three phone calls after 01:00 am . All three were people who look up to me . I wasn’t feeling well so I probably didn’t do any good . One of them got pissed off . One of them didn’t even bother asking me what was wrong . And the last one wanted to borrow some money .Sahib Alam was right . Sometimes being the superman does more harm than good . I also need someone to be nice to me and take care of me .Being the Sob pillow takes energy .. something I have been low on lately . But I don’t blame them . I love them . I cannot live without them coming back to me for things . I cannot live without being there for them . I need them to demand yes but its these moments of pain and solitude when I feel the child inside me starts reaching .That child needs nourishment as well .I haven’t fed this child in a while I guess. I don’t know what to feed it . It has an appetite of its own . Sometimes the wile I feel around me wrecks him .Sometimes it’s people not coming up to my expectations . Sometimes it’s backbiting . Sometimes hate .Indifference .Megalomaniacs. Sometimes people don’t write back .Sometimes they don’t call .Sometimes its rage in general and then It can be conventions aswell . Oh and ofcourse Paucity of genuine friends who Hug. Isn't it possible, for one person to love another without trying to own each other? Or is that buried so deep in our genes that we can never get it out?


Im numb right now.I cannot feel my hands . Arms even . Im very sleepy but I cannot seem to sleep . I tried but no good. I walked . I ran . I took some Xanax but something else is wrong . I don’t know . I cannot seem to figure it out. Im scared that the health issue will rise again . Im wondering if it’s the smoking . It can be unhygienic food . Ammi is in US so I end up eating out almost all the time .Khaala is here so for two weeks its all good .


"I've spent my life behind these steel bars
I've paid my debt in time
But being brought to justice
That was my only crime.
I don't regret a single action
I'd do the same again
These prison walls secure me
And I'm numb to pain."


I feel both for sabeen and dilawar today. Ive been their beckon for more than 6 years and I felt that i finally let her down this time . In her childish hauteur she has pushed dilawar in a corner where he is pinned in a manner befitting only a royal roast .I was initially worried that sabeen might not be able to leave him but her disappearance for almost a year from his life and subsequent effortless slide back in his life is ample proof that she can handle all of this herself .She only calls me when she needs something . Im proud of her and I expect her to stay this way . I want her to stay this way . I see this as an exit for myself . I cannot teach them anymore . They are responsible consenting adults and they will see this thing themselves with or without me . The sad part is that sabeen will never own up to him and he’ll always stay by her side half expecting her to do so . Little does he know that she is capable of pushing people out of her life mercilessly and moving on . Poor dilawar will be left to rot and she wont worry one bit . I cannot be a part of this . I told her that id be there for her but I cannot share my problems with her anymore . I don’t need anyone for that matter . My princess Ayesha/Nasir has made me a new man .Huma agrees too.


I refused to work further with Ali Qazi on "Brand Power" .He is becoming too abusive . I need to learn the craft not his illiterate ramblings .He suffers from hormonal complications n wants to work with Sid . Sees her as a piece of Steak . Rare . Speaking of Sid, she is doing good but she has to do better. She thinks no one can see through her façade and cannot get to her insecure power struggle core .But everyone sees this . They smile at her but when she’s not there , they trash her ...She is a good kid but she needs to get off the podium for once . I tried to tell her something on the same lines last week but she became visibly suspicious of me aswell and that was the last I said anything about it . I don’t want her analyzing me and figuring me out all wrong .… and from what I feel about her …. she already is on the wrong track .But I cannot tell her anything about myself cause she’ll analyze my intentions aswell and probably come up with another morbid theory .


I was Zia Gourchani in my previous life when I came here as a Pharaoh =) . Now I don’t see the need to be so uptite about this life . Im more about the one hereafter .I love the fact that I don’t plan my life . A choreographed life aint no life at all .Having said that I know risks bear fruit . Now whether it’s a coconut that drops on ure head or a peach is sheer luck ,perseverance , faith and yes planning . Honesty plays an important part aswell . Never bych or cut people . Shame on you .This time its different. Ive lived an unplanned life . I loved the people who came my way . I went out of my way to love them .So who cares if one gets hurt . Pain is part of life . I have no shame in admitting it . Everyday I praise HIM for making me the way I am . I feel for people like they are my own . Nothing can top this .Ive been made conscious of this lately by Sid’s indifference to things and by her assumptions .Her poor efforts to cover up . What else … Umm then its Shehla has made me realize a lot of things aswell . Namely that to become a producer , one needs to work hard rather than just wanting it . She is not too fond of Sid . Ofcourse others feel the same about her aswell . Especially Kauser . Qazi is after her for reasons different altogether .Coming back to sabeen , Despite everything , I’ll still be there for her .I cannot change the way I am . But if I get hurt , I fear I seize sharing . That is no one’s loss but my own .I make up for this loss by immersing in contributing elsewhere and thus forgetting about the shards that protrude from within me . If you don’t like it , then Fuck off .


Ive been a bad boy lately . I smoked 37 cigarettes in the past 24 hours . That can’t be good .


"Oh the pain of life is sweet
Is it wrong to long for death?
Must I cling to the thrills of life
Ash to ash and dust to dust."