"Soaks my skin -- through to the bone
Pain is nothing that a downpour won't erase
Rain -- you can't hold on to it
A treasure you cannot frame
Rain -- somehow I'm drawn to it
I feel engaged, one and the same
When heaven's dressing beads off my face
The pain is nothing that a downpour won't erase."
--Delerium


i was on the shoot when i got a call from my brother .i was sitting in the green room with sophia and zara . i looked at the screen blinking silently ,my brother’s name flashing as if jolting me out of a dream . Ya Ali Madad , I mumbled .my brother never calls me . Either he is in a jail somewhere , thrown in for something and he wants me to bail him out or something big has happened . I dreaded the next few moments , brace myself and picked up the phone . There was a lot of noise on the other side of the world , the world that was to be my solitude for the next few weeks ... he sounded unsure. "Bhai , farah has been in an accident. We are at Jinnah hospital." .I shuddered .Hung up . Took the first few moments to compose myself . The world around be started to fade in a senseless buzz as if I wasnbt there . But I was and I needed to get out of there . I walked out of the studio mumbling a few words to Jan mohammad , out technical manager and Sophia .Once on the road , i stopped and prayed for a few moments then I called Irtiza again .I couldn’t bear to keep guessing . i needed to know something in concrete .Something that was to hold me together before i got to the hospital .I called him and asked for specifics. He said that her leg has been badly hurt. I didn’t need to know anything else . Once at Jinnah , we took her to the National Medical Center .The NMC was nearest to Jinnah.


The accident had happened right infront of the Aisha Bawani School. She got hit by a biker who obviously had no road sense. The mudguard hit her left leg and she cart wheeled a good 20 meters .The rearview mirror hit her right in the middle of the left eye. A few passing cars stopped. One man came and picked her up and took her to Jinnah before calling us up. As we moved her to NMC we knew we didn’t have much time. We needed to stop the bleeding. The people at Jinnah did a swift provisional job. They tied her broken leg to a wooden flat and informed us that we must shift her to the NMC since there is not much that can be done for her at Jinnah. The doctors at NMC took their sweet time .We spent almost six hours trying to arrange for the operation theater , the medicines and trying to get someone to pay attention to her wounds. I scolded a few here and there. She kept wailing. Ofcourse .How else would someone with a broken leg react. She had bruises all over her body. I stood there by her stretcher comforting her. Held her hand. I didn’t know a person can be in such pain. She withered. Twisted. Wept. Wailed. Cried. Cursed .She was thirsty but she was to be operated upon so we couldn’t give her anything to eat or drink. They operated on her around 5:30pm.


I cannot explain the trauma I went through when she was in the OT .She came out around 9:00. Unconscious. I couldn’t believe how pale she looked. Normally I wouldn’t let her scratch and here she was lying infront of me all cuts ,bruises and metallic harnesses . I had always believed in providence . But this was beyond me . I feigned a brave face . Once alone , I wept like a child . This was just too much . We were in the middle of trying to search for a house for us . We had already received a deadline from out landlord . I was barely getting any sleep , things had just not been going smoothly . Someone said , its a test . Some test eh ! . I smiled . Fuck it . They put a German rod in her leg . It’s the best , the doc said .


After she went in the OT , I drove to the Saddar Police Station where the kid who collided in her with his bike was being kept in custody. The angry mob from the scene of incident had caught him and handed him over to the police. I was dumbfounded . He was no man. He was barely 17.Lanky.Dirty.And mentally unstable. He had a history of mental illnesses. Came from a poor family who lived in martin quarters , in a small house .Her mother stood infront of me wailing , begging for his life .If we were to lodge an FIR , he would be imprisoned and left to rot in that hell hole .On the other hand , my sister was in phenomenal pain . I asked her to pray for her and that they should be careful from now on . I signed the disclaimer exonerating the boy of all charges . They left all happy and content and I drove back to my sister .She came out of the OT around 8:30 . Unconscious . When she came to , I was relieved to see her with a smile . A few friends were around . We cracked a few lame jokes about the whole scene .I thanked God that the worst few hours of my life were finally over but I knew it was an uphill task . I immediately spread the Ja-Namaz there in the room and prayed .I begged for strength .For composure . For compassion and finally for forgiveness .


She stayed in the hospital for 8 days . Her friend hasan stayed with us for half the night . He said something which I would never forget . Bhai … I always wanted to sit with you and talk because ive heard that you are a very ‘indifferent’ brother . I always wanted to talk to you because I never believed them telling me that you didn’t care .I didn’t say much . He said that he sorta understands why I just came in at the last moment every time something happened and why I always made a quick exit after putting things back on track .He tried to empathize with me. But this was very heartfelt coming from someone who only knew me as the eldest brother of one of her friends . It just made me more resolute . It made me smile that atleast someone understands why I do what I do .


I stayed with my sister for five of the eight nights .I was afraid that she’d feel lonely . I scolded her occasionally about not taking food and medicine seriously enough . She wasn’t rude or mean to me . My brother did blame me for the accident . Something to do with not dropping her to work properly . We hadn’t told our parents about the whole incident . After the operation went well ,we called and told em that it was a little accident and that it has been taken care of it .We could not afford to pareeshanofy them too much about it especially if they could do nothing to improve the situation sitting all the way in the US. Dad will be coming back sometime in the first week of October . Work stuff kept suffering but I really had no choice . I had to be there . Khair it went well . The rods stay in . The harnesses will stay for a couple of months . It will all come back to its normal state .Inshallah .I cannot describe the pain I had felt when I saw her wailing for the first time when I entered the ER … I had struggled to keep my composure . Im a strong man by any means . I have braved a lot of shit but even I didn’t know what to do at that moment . I was very week then . Now when I think of all of this , I thank Allah for everything turned fairly well and we had the common sense to deal with this the best way possible .Today I am relieved that she is better . She is staying at Noori Chaachaz house because Chaachi will be able to take care of her properly .


The day she was supposed to be discharged , I got a call from Hasan early morning that his sister had been murdered. Hasan is Farah’s friend and he had been around for us when we needed him during the operation and the nights at the hospital .Hasan was broken and it was such a tragedy . His sister was a Sessions Court Judge and had been getting threats .By the time I got to know , I had submitted Farah’s medical reports in and she was about to be discharged in the next two hours .I asked everyone to leave and told em that id meet them at Hasan’s house . Farah was already under a lot of stress and I knew I needed to act quickly . I summoned a couple of cars and got all of her stuff loaded . We dropped her to Noori Chaazhaz house and I rushed to hasan’s . He looked weak . Broken . He wept like a kid as I hugged him . I told him everything will be alrite and that he has to be strong .People look up to him , I told him and he must not let them down . He sat with me .I told him to be a superman . A superman rocks . You might find this an absurd analogy but I fell if you just keep doing things for people around you then one day you forget your pain and you become ‘a’ superman .


The work’s crazy . I feel like a Zombie . Im all wax and no emotions . I need to evolve . Too overwhelmed for now .